You are Beautiful
by GrandEmpress13
Summary: Nikola discovers even Helen Magnus has cracks... **READ A/N BEFORE READING**


**You are beautiful**

…**I know I've been gone for a while but school has been really taxing lately and I haven't had the time to update my fics. But this one shot should be my return and soon all my fics will be updated, I swear!**

**Anyhoo, I was reading a few fics today, and watching a few episodes and I realized that Helen is very confident; she's confident in everything she does. This made me think, "She's not perfect. There has to be moments when even Helen Magnus lets the cracks grow until they break." So I wrote this! **

**HOWEVER! **THIS FIC ADDRESSES EATING DISORDERS. IF THIS A TOUCHY SUBJECT, PLEASE LEAVE NOW! *****

**This story is dedicated to everyone. To all the guys and girls, you are beautiful; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.**

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'_Where is she_?' Nikola thought, looking at his watch.

He and Helen had just finished eating a magnificent dinner in the new Sanctuary's dining hall. They had decided to head out to the garden and share a bottle of wine, and they were on their way there when Helen said she would get the bottle. Nikola said he would go with her, but Helen insisted she pick out the wine and that he should head to the garden and she would meet him there. That was almost twenty minutes ago.

'_It can't possibly take her that long to pick some wine and make her way to the garden. Perhaps something happened. But Henrich promised to deal with all abnormal issues for the night, and Helen cut off all government ties when she faked her death. Where is she?' _Nikola waited. The more he waited, the angrier he got.

'_Screw it! I'm not waiting any longer! I'm going to go and find her! This was supposed to be our special night! I swear to god, if she's dealing with work…wait until I find her!' _Nikola stormed out of the garden and back into the Sanctuary. The first place he looked was her office, half hoping she's be there, the other half wishing she was. He knew, if she was, it meant her job meant more than him, and that was something Nikola didn't want to face.

He marched straight into her office, but she wasn't there. Nikola checked the labs, the enclosures, the living room, the TV room, the catacombs, and even the North Tower, but Helen was nowhere to be found. Finally Nikola headed to the only place he knew was left to check; her room. Taking the new elevator system, he arrived there in mere moments. He exited the lift and strode to the end of the hall, pausing when he reached her door.

Nikola had never been in Helen's room; sure, he dared to venture to her quarters once or twice at the Old Sanctuary, but as of yet had not been in her new room. He wanted to wait, to be invited into Helen's inner Sanctuary. He didn't want to burst in uninvited and intrude on her privacy.

'_Should I?_' Nikola was beginning to ponder whether he should breach her Sanctuary when his vampiric picked up a quiet sound coming from behind the door. He waited, straining to see if he could catch it.

'_A squeak? No…a whimper? Helen?_' He only waited a moment before the sound hit his ears again. Without hesitating, Nikola reached from the handle.

'_Unlocked…_' Immediately, his guard was up. He entered the room with caution, creeping across the room slowly. The whimpering became louder and Nikola realized the whimpers were actually sobs, coming from the bathroom, sobs which most definitely belonged to Helen Magnus.

"Helen? Are you alright?" He asked, his anger fading away as he leaning towards the door. When there was no response, Nikola slowly made his way to the bathroom door. The sobs grew in volume. Nikola reached out and pushed the door open. The sight that greeted him was something Nikola Telsa never expected to see.

Helen, his beloved Helen, was curled up on the bathroom floor, crying.

"Helen…Helen are you alright?" Helen turned to the sound of his voice and looked at him with red and puffy eyes that were still streaming tears.

"Nikola? Oh God…" her body began to shake even more and Nikola was instantly on the floor by her side, scooping her into his lap.

"My dear, what happened?" He asked as he rocked her.

"I'm sorry…I never wanted to go back…" She wept.

"Go back to what?" Helen's tears had stopped flowing. She sniffed, took a deep breath and spoke.

"Purging. Binging, whatever you want to call it, it's all the same..." Nikola's eyes widened. He had known the woman in his arms for a hundred plus years and never had he known she had an eating disorder. She was Helen Magnus, she was confident in everything she did. Helen Magnus was the embodiment of confidence.

"How long…?" She sniffled again.

"Off and on. It started in 1880's, just before John became a killer. I was having my wedding dress fitted and John came with me. When I came out in the dress, he said it looked lovely on me, but that I needed to lose a few pounds. I didn't think much of it, but over the next couple of days, John would make not so subtle hints about my weight. I tried to ignore them, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. I would pass a mirror and all I could think was '_John's right_.' The thoughts became all I could think about. No matter how tight the corset was. I had heard about self-induced vomiting to help those who were ill, and I thought it would work…"

"Oh, Helen…"

"After that I purged until the First World War. Even when we only had little to eat, too. I couldn't help it…" She shook her head. "James found out and helped me back into normal eating habits." Tears came to her eyes.

"And you've been clear until today?" Helen laughed bitterly.

"No. After James found out, I was clear until…until you 'died'."

"Did my death…"

"Trigger it? No, clothing of the time did. The less restrictive the clothing got, the more I purged." Nikola nodded. The two sat in silence for several moments before Helen spoke again.

"After that, it was on and off until I decided to carry Ashley to term. I knew that if I had something to focus on, I wouldn't think about what I look like."

"But wouldn't being pregnant make it worse?" Nikola didn't mean to sound harsh but the question came out before he could stop it.

"At times, yes. But I had James to help and he always made sure that I knew it would be bad for the baby. I stayed clear until I went back in time. It was the longest I had gone with purging. But being back, I couldn't not…" Nikola hugged her tightly.

"I only binged when I absolutely had to. The second time around, I stayed clear for longer period of time. I didn't have anyone to impress. I stayed clear for seventy years this time."

"Until today?" Her tears came back and Helen worked hard to keep them at bay.

"I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten so much. I sent you to the garden and went to get the wine. On the way back the cellar, I past a mirror. I took the moment to look at my reflection, and all I could see was the ugly..." Helen began to cry harder, and pressed her face into Nikola's shoulder, her hair falling to cover her face.

"Helen, shh… you are not fat…" Nikola whispered, brushing the hair away from her eyes. Her head shot up, eyes angry through her tears.

"It's not about being skinny!" She snapped. "It's about carving the ugly from the inside out…" The anger in her voice faded. "I just wanted to be good enough for you…" Nikola couldn't help but chuckle at her words.

"Helen, you are perfect. You have no idea how many years I spent wondering if I was good enough for you."

"I wasn't good enough for John…or James…" The tears kept coming. "I'm sorry Nikola…I'm so weak…Oh God…I'm sorry, don't look at me…" Helen pushed herself away and out of Nikola's embrace. She stood on shaky legs and moved over to the sink, her petite body shaking, she dropped her head as her sobs overwhelmed her. Nikola sighed and stood, making his way over to her. He came up behind her and wrapped his left arm around her waist. With his right, Nikola reached up and cupped Helen's face. He stroked it for a moment before forcing Helen to look at herself in the mirror.

"Don't…" She whispered.

"Helen, do you know what I see when I look at you?"

"Nikola…please…" Helen kept her gaze down, refusing to look at herself.

"Look." Nikola waited, and slowly Helen raised her gaze to the mirror. "Now, do you know what I see when I look at you?"

"No…"

"Every time I look at you, I see the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen." Helen snorted and looked down again.

"Right." Nikola spun Helen around so she was facing him, once again cupping her face.

"I do. Every time I see you, my world lights up. Your sparkling eyes, your beautiful smile, and that's just the beginning." Helen looked up, tears in her eyes, a soft smile gracing her face.

"Really?" She asked softly. Nikola smiled back.

"Really. I have always thought so." Helen bit back a sob and leaned forward, hugging Nikola with all she had.

"Oh, Nikola…thank you." Nikola hugged her back.

"My love, you are welcome. If you'll let me, I'd love to help you through this." Nikola could feel her nod against his chest. She looked up at him again, this time smiling.

"Will you?"

"I will. I want you to be able to see yourself the way I see you."

"Really?"

"Yes, because you are beautiful." Tears came to Helen's eyes, but these were ones of happiness, not sadness.

"Even with my cracks?" Nikola leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"Yes; you are beautiful even with your cracks."

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** Now, this is meant to be a oneshot, but if a lot of people want to see Helen's road to recovery, let me know!**


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